COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
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As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.