cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
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I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies