Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
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ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
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Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices