Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
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i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room