Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
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I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.