Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
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My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
tell em, edith-anne
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.