COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
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Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport