COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
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My birthstone is a sushi roll.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
A double negative is a big no-no.
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application