COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
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Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”