I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
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I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.