*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
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Get in loser we’re going crying
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
“Wait, let me explain..”
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
keep reaching for the stars, kid: