@Mr_Kapowski: My daughter is the perfect height for using an umbrella to simultaneously keep her dry and for me to lose an eye from one of its corners

@GoldenSpirals: Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.

@MumsieEsq: When your 3yo spits a chewed up wad of cheese into your hand and you're like "where did you find this, I didn't give you any cheese today?"

@clindsaysway: I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.

@_Kim_Jongun: My clothes don't fit anymore. There's only one possibly explanation. America is shrinking my clothes.