*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
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If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?