*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
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Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me