*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
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“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
how to exercise your calf muscles
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that