[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
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This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
How software testing works
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
I feel this so hard
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.