You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
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If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
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Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
need him
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking