COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
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“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.