COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
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When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking