[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
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Ninjas owed people money. You don鈥檛 get that good at hiding without owing people money.
Don鈥檛 let the British accent fool you. I鈥檓 not saying anything smart
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here鈥檚 wonderwall
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
I didn鈥檛 forget your birthday I just forgot today鈥檚 date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won鈥檛 touch them.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can鈥檛 get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 馃様
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
Pals I鈥檓 DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it鈥檚 one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she鈥檚 got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don鈥檛 stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.