COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
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Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.