Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
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Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD