Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
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*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.