Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
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Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
This checks out
i’m sure it’s fine
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”