Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
You Might Also Like
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.