Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
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Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?