Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
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My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
me: my friends:
Posting this on behalf of a friend
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.