Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
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A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
Happy birthday to all the women
and now we wait
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.