I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
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{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
a badder mouse
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
Breaking news:
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
I bet birds love this building.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*