Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
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“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
Me when my alarm goes off
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
Finally, an instrument I can play!
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese