*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
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I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
me 2 months after i graduated
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
Yes, but it was never about money
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.