*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
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Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.