Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
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Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
men are simple creatures
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
Born to be mild.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.