we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
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ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
my name if I was in the mob
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.