Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
You Might Also Like
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.