COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
You Might Also Like
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”