[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
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I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it