My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
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Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
When I said I liked it rough.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling