I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
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2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
TWEET CALL
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[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time