cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
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“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.