cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.