Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
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My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert