Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
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DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
Hard not to take this personally
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
A short story about romance.