Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
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My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)