COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
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[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
A French press is when you hug naked
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared