COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
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Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside