@ArfMeasures: COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It's like a big path that cars drive on
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@lilgapeach30: Ate reduced fat cheese on low calorie bread and my taste buds had me indicted for hate crimes.
@ojedge: Sieved flour to rule them all A pinch of salt to grind them Cup of milk, then mix them all add an egg to bind them -Lord of the Onion Rings
@Brampersandon_: CASHIER: $57.85 ME: do u accept food stamps C: of course M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
@NicestHippo: You're an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
@caroline_umc: Ever been so completely out of toilet paper that you send your kid next door to get some? Me neither, I just like to embarrass my kid.
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