COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
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I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and