@ArfMeasures: COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It's like a big path that cars drive on
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@NotSoFastDiet: Getting that beach body is easy. You just have to know where to dig.
@ixix82: By 33, you'd think I'd have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
@joshcomers: Can't find my belt so I'll just need to get fatter.
@soul_crazzy: In the beginning, God made Heaven and Earth... The rest was made in China.
@fizzlestothetop: "Girls love illegible texts at 3:00am. Trust me." -Alcohol
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