COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
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My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
Butt weight. There’s more!
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
liiiiiiiiike
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
Happens to everyone.
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.