Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
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My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
A Short Story.
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*