Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
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If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
Sing it!
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting