COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
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Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!